And You Get Nothing in Return

Just because I once handed a friend of mine five bucks because he was begging for pledges for his cousin's Special Olympics participation, the nonprofit charities of the world think I'm some sort of philanthropist and keep sending me donation pleas in the mail.

I am not a philanthropist. In fact, I am an evil bastard. For example, groups such as the American Diabetes Association and Project Angel Food send me those free return address labels as a bribe to guilt me into giving them money. Not only do I not give them anything, I keep those return address labels and use them! Ha ha ha ha ha!

There's this one charity (I forget which one) that sends me nickels for some reason. I guess I'm supposed to send the nickel back, along with a donation, but I keep the nickel and collect them until I have enough money to buy Baked Cheetos.

Those organizations are charitable! They provide me with delicious snacks from my corner store.

—Reporting From Glendale, California